Slipping Away
by Astaldotholwen
Summary: [ One Shot ] Butchered and bruised Riku thinks back on those he has left behind and those he will never see again. It is eternal; blood will always be spilt.


Title: Slipping Away

Written By: Astaldothôlwen

Point of View: Riku

Disclaimer: Is it not endless? The pain is immortal; an endless circuit of torment. I will never own anything of any value except my memories and the odd photo. I do not claim to own these lyrics either; as always they belong to their respectful owners _Sum41_.

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__

_I__'m slipping away,_

_In every way,_

_I can't stay awake,_

_(And I don't know why),_

_I'm slipping away,_

_(And I don't know why),_

There is nothing more disturbing than the warmth of your very own blood trailing down your arm; the crimson liquid pooling itself in the palm of your hand, dripping off the tips of your fingers onto the floor below.

It is eternal; blood will _always_ be spilt. It doesn't matter where you are; or who you are, that is how life goes.

That is how life will always go.

I've been cut; I've been butchered. I've lost all that is dear to me. There is nothing more I want then to see your gentle smile or to hear your joyous laugh. Just once, all I want is to feel happy again. I want to be that child who was carefree and worrying over the weekend plans with friends. I will never receive such a blessing as the nativity that my friends had; never again.

I've lost my chance. I've lost the one opportunity I had; I will never get another.

Where am I now? Does it honestly matter? Does anything matter anymore? What is there to live for when the only evidence of the passing time is to tell by the puddles of blood that continue to spill all around you, the blood of the Heartless, your own blood. What else is there to live for? Can anyone even answer that? No, I didn't think so.

There have been too many nights that I've felt my blood on my hands, too many nights filled with torment, there has been too much bloodshed. I remember the very first time I was ever cut as though it were yesterday.

Sora was on the other side of the Door, I told him to watch over her. I knew he would. He would always do everything in his power to keep her from harm. He was able to do what I was not. The Door closed and then there was nothing but Darkness. An empty void in connecting the Worlds; connected by the swarming Heartless.

We fought endlessly, the King and I. In the end it was too much for him I think; I remember seeing his tattered body, mangled and bloodied from the battles. His skin was torn into ribbons, painful looking, crimson ribbons. I remember kneeling down towards his body; frankly, I didn't know what else to do.

And that is when I felt it; the slice against my arm, claws tearing at flesh; a horrible combination. Out of reflex I killed that Heartless with one fell swoop of my sword avenging my fallen comrade. This was a sensation I will never forget.

The feeling of blood, _my _blood trailed rapidly down my arm. I don't know how to explain it; it felt eerie.

Blood is a strange substance you know. It is liquid like the purest waters, yet it is thick as a newly frozen pond. Well, maybe not _that_thick; however the feeling of warm blood is not thin like water. I would never wish such a sensation upon anyone; something as trivial as a gash in my arm created so much blood. There was so much blood that day.

My blood, Heartless blood, the blood of a friend.

So much blood.

A sea of blood.

Sometimes I think that I am better off gone; far, far away from here. A life in the land of fire, or maybe a land with whimsical clouds. I don't know whatever lies beyond me I'm positive I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any sort of treatment.

Yet there is always the prospect of what you've done for me in the short time that I've known you. You are my newfound inspiration, my new hope.

Kairi, without you, I don't know where I would be. Frankly, I miss you more than words can possibly explain. I miss seeing you everyday with a smile on your face. You got along with everyone and everyone loved you. I don't think you were ever cold hearted towards anyone and I think that is what I miss most about you.

I was blind to my emotions, unaware of everything around me. I had no idea that I was hurting everyone around me and I'm sorry.

_I'm trying to make it through each day,_

_I'm falling apart now in every way,_

_I'm finding it harder to get by,_

_There's a hole in my heart,_

_And I don't know why,_

_Now I've come to realize,_

Apologising is empty; feelings are meaningless. Yet, my thoughts about you are nothing more than the honest-to-God-truth. This is my promise to you; that I think about you everyday, every waking day I think about how much I miss you, how much I love you.

And I sicken myself. It has been two years already; _two _damn years almost. Isn't it strange? It's disgusting how quickly your life can change, within one day the course of your being. Every day that passes, every minute that ticks away I'm forgetting you.

I'm sick.

I'm a horrible person.

You were one of my best friends in the world and I'm forgetting you. I'm slowly forgetting the way your voice would go all high pitched when you were screaming at Sora and I to stop fighting. I'm forgetting the sound of your laugh.

I swore to myself I would _never_ forget; I didn't think it was possible. And yet, it's happening. It's happing faster than I'd like to admit and I think I'm horrible.

Who manages to do that? Forget the voice of someone they care so deeply for? I have been truly blind sighted by what I thought was love. Someone who felt love would never forget the voice of that special someone would they?

I often wonder if he is with you. I wonder if Sora is somewhere around taking care of you. I hope you two are happy, you deserve each other. I've done enough to you guys and I deserve to be stuck in this prison of Darkness.

I typically find myself wondering if I am dead and am walking the grounds of Hell. Sometimes I think I see you, and it turns out to be nothing more than mere shadows dancing in the dull twilight. That slight feeling of seeing you again makes my heart flutter; and once I reach the realization that that isn't you, I feel nauseous.

I truly deserve to die you know that? I'm a horrible person who has done nothing but despair over silly, insignificant matters; when in reality I am missing the big picture. I worry about what I would say to you if I ever saw you again, what is the point of worrying about something as silly as that? It'll never happen and that is that.

I risked everyone's lives for my jealousy. Something I couldn't bare to see happening _was._ Sora was in love with you and you were in love with him. And I felt nothing more than the envy of being left behind, instead of the joy that my two best friends had found their soul mate. It is so rare you know? Finding your soul mate is one in a million; and you to found each other.

What did I do? I tried to stop this; I nearly caused the destruction of all the Worlds as well as kill the two people who meant the Worlds to me; and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all of the pain that I've caused; I'm sorry for everything I've done. I hope that this apology can offer some sort of solace for my stupid actions. I suppose I really can't complain now can I?

I deserve to die, I deserve the most unkind; the most vile of deaths. I deserve to die a lonely and painful death. This is why I cannot complain; I've been granted my one wish, the one wish that I wanted more than anything. I've been granted to be freed from this Hell, this anguish I've put myself through for so long.

Soon I will be free. My soul will wander the Worlds unkempt and unwanted.

Soon it will be impossible for me to find you; the Heartless will be nothing more than a distant memory, the claws no longer tearing at my bloodied skin. No longer will I be a prisoner of this Hell; no longer will I be tolerated for my actions.

My soul will no longer be troubled; my Heart will no longer be at risk. Maybe my fate is to become one of them, a Heartless. Or maybe I will just die alone, my dismantled body rotting in a corner somewhere. Whatever happens, I deserve it; I deserve whatever is coming to me.

My body, I can feel it; the same sickening warmth is covering my body; yet, it feels cold. Almost bittersweet; the same warm texture of crimson which I never wanted to feel again is the end of me. They are still clawing deeply into my back searching for something more precious than all of the treasures in the world.

Frankly, I'll be surprised if they find what they are so desperately searching for.

_I'm slipping away._

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Author Notes:

Yeah. These will be short this time around.

I originally had this fic to the song _Voices of Voilence _by _Billy Talent _but then I was listening to this song on Sum41's newest album and thought to myself, '_My God, this is Riku, this song is Riku!'_

There was a lot of me in this chapter, the feeling of the blood pooling in my hand after I cut myself deeply at work, the feeling of forgetting a friend's voice. Yeah, life is messed up and I hate it so much.

I write this in your honour my beloved friend Kristy; although I am slowly forgetting the sound of your laughter, the sound of your voice, I **_refuse_** to forget you or how you called me 'Dumbnut'

That is the only thing I can remember what your voice sounded like; when you said _Dumbut_It's been two years, we will always love you I promise.

_Reviewer Replies:_

_Time of Your Life_

Rainisky: Oooh! You're a new reviewer, which was quite shocking. It is very nice to hear from you and thank you so much for your kind comment; it was very sweet of you!

Katie-chan: Woohoo! Or maybe we can just watch out for our characters, they are bound to murder us after all we've done to them! I have to say Katie that _Running _at the end wanted to make me cry! Maybe it's because I'm a little over emotional right now over the whole anniversary if the accident, I don't know, but whatever it was, thank you; it was so beautiful. I loved the line, "_'I almost lost you," he whispered when they pulled apart_.' (gushes) that was so sweet! Gaaaah!

Lyphe: I will keep this very clear-cut: **University is hell on Earth**. Even in spite of all the cute guys, I'm stressed beyond all reason. I can't wait to read the next chapter of _Rollercoaster _and in all honesty, I _love _filler chapters; so I can't complain.

Emerald31: (raises eyebrow) I was really flattered over your review, I was. And pretty much shell shocked that I single-handedly managed to change your view over life and death. I didn't know I was able to do that (smiles meekly) Thank you, those words were very encouraging.

Riku of Darkness: My dear, dear friend! Thank you always for your wonderful reviews, they always put a smile on my face; even if we had some trouble prying you off my leg in the last fic (laughs). I agree, I didn't like this one as much as _Breaking__ the Habit_. In all honesty, I wrote this one in about half an hour and pretty much that was the end of it. I should really take more care with these one-shots, but since you were the only one who mentioned _not _deleting it, I will keep this one up, just for you okay? (hugs)

Aliasfan: I can't believe it! I've got people obsessed with songs and changed their entire perspectives on life and death. I don't know; how on Earth am I doing it? (laughs). Your review made me laugh actually, I am the same way, once I find a song I love, I listen to it numerous times a day, _every _day. I've been like that lately with the song _Every Heart_ by _BOA_; it is so pretty and makes me feel happy. I'm glad I encouraged that (laughs some more).

Lady Hitokiri: Wow, it seems we both enjoy each others usernames no? Oh I know exactly what you mean, I _love _dark fics. Love them to death; no pun intended I swear. But they are so difficult to find; well, good ones at least. I have so much trouble finding semi-decent ones. Though, _Riku__ of Darkness _has some great fics, as well as _Ari__ Powwel _which is great news considering they are wonderful authoresses! (smiles warmly) Thank you again for your support my friend!

_This was short. I know. But it was mainly personal; a way to get these messed up emotions out of my system; even if it was through torturing my favourite character and killing him in the process. I'm sorry Riku my dear bishounen, you know I love you still right?_


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